Jaffle's Second Law of Solicitors

Solicitors will always call during the only two minutes you're away from your desk.

Between the head and the stomach (steak tartare)

The difference between intellectual and visceral reactions is this:

My head knew that it was minced steak, seasoned and spiced.

My stomach reacted as if it was mashed cat sick.

"Nihilism's for boys"

...I said, quoting Emmy the Great's song, The Hypnotist's Son.

"Yeah, but women are the carrier," he replied.

I blinked. And smiled.

I think he was still talking about colour blindness.

Jaffle's First Law of Solicitors (Complexity is Geometric)

The complexity of proceedings - and hence, the cost and likelihood of over-run - increases geometrically (rather than arithmetically) with the number of solicitors involved.

Being precise, making assumptions, and averting disappointment

T'other day, the Sparkly One and I happened to be staying in a hotel following a wedding. The next morning we trotted down to breakfast and, instead of the traditional Full English, I determined to ask for something a little lighter.

So I asked for a bacon sandwich.

In my mind, I could already taste the sandwich; salty tangy bacon on buttered brown bread - or even on buttered white bread, the butter melted from the warmth of the bacon.

When it arrived, it was on white bread, unbuttered.

I was disappointed. How could they not know how to make a bacon sandwich? I hadn't told them, of course; there was no way they could have known. So they had made the bacon sandwich they probably always make, unaware that I wanted something else. Or perhaps they deliberately made the lowest common denominator sandwich; experience in the catering trade leading them down the path of least offence.

It wasn't their fault, of course; it was mine, for not being precise about what I wanted. It's happened before. It may well happen again. But next time, I'll ask for it exactly as I want it. Then it's only myself I have to blame, and them to thank.

Disappointment averted.

Thaw Blogsplash - a book for free

I'm helping make a splash. And so can you.

Fiona Robyn's new book, Thaw, will be serialised on her blog starting March 2010, and she's having a Blogsplash to celebrate.

All of which linky-packed goodness means that on 1st March 2010, you'll be able to read the first page of Thaw right here (and several other places too). And then you can continue reading at Fiona's blog.

Literature for free. Why wouldn't you?

Wispa Gold: Not as nice as I hoped

There was considerable fanfare around the arrival of the Wispa Gold in the office; and what clever marketing accompanies it too. There's the "retro" aspect, harking back to the Gold Old Days when the WG was first on sale (1995, now more distant than my memory and hair colour would prefer). And the lovely shiny-shiny pick-me! packaging.

From the first bite, though, I found it disappointing, remembering (too late!) that I dislike the texture of Wispa bars. There's something about the size of the bubbles that makes the chocolate displeasingly smooth, or furry, it seems. If it must contain bubbles, I'm more of an Aero fan; being larger, the bubbles make the chocolate firmer, crisper, which is more to my taste.

After the chocolate disappointment, the caramel was an after-thought, lumped on top in a not-quite-thick-enough-to-notice layer that scarcely teased, or tempted, let alone satisfied.

The indefinite article

You didn't have "the burger" for lunch, you had "a burger."

Okay?

Serendipity

Unannounced, a butterfly visits the sunflower I am photographing.

A Very Disappointing Lunch

Despite the cheerful woman at the counter, lunch is truly miserable.

My pizza baguette has been over-cooked from frozen; dry and homogenous. I can't distinguish between the peppers and the ham.

And Wifey's salad garnish surely contrevenes the Trade Descriptions Act; a handful of limp lettuce.

We won't be hurrying back.